Ralph and Edna

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save...

Question time....

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time.... "Class," he said, "my name begins...

If Noah Built an Ark in 2011

And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another Ark and save two of every...

Trouser Snake

=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake) => LOCATION: Throughout the world => DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous...

A Lecture On Alcohol Abuse

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out...

Gone Camping

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two...

Undercover Clergy

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed,...

Why do you do that, Mom?

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mom?" "To make myself beautiful," she answered. She then began to remove the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" Johnny started. "Giving up?"

Tetanus Shot

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He...

Which Service?

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for...

What's the trick?

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house...

What Will You Do If I Die First?

A couple in their early seventies were discussing their future plans. The husband asked, "What will you do if I die before you?" The wife thought for a moment before replying, "I will probably look to share a house with three other single or widowed...

You boys been drinkin?

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl...

Get Well Quick...

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second...

He Killed The Doberman

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing...

Reasonable Doubt...

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like...

Celebrating His 92nd Birthday

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we...

Wanna play house?

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate." He says to her, "that word is...

Hollywood Squares Q&A

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for...

Christmas sign of the times....

As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Old Flame...

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame. "Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years...

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there....

Character qualities to look for in a marriage partner

A daughter asks her mother, “What are character qualities that I should look for in a marriage partner? You know, for someone that I will be spending eternity with." The mother replied, ”Go ask your father, he did better than I did.”