In The Beginning...

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested. Then God created man, and then they both rested. Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.

Turnabout

A man walked into a cafe,went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman...

More Than He Asked For

A guy who had forgotten the dates for a number of his friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. He went to a number of...

Here's Your Change...

After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her. He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes. On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony....

Bush meets Moses

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and...

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and...

You Will Spend Eternity Here...

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So...

Adam's ribs...

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week...

The Evangelizing Barber

There was a barber who paid close attention at his parish whenever the topic of evangelization was discussed. He thought he should be doing more to share his faith with his customers.The next morning the barber told the Lord in prayer, “Today I’m...

But, officer, I just wanted to say...

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain..." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." ...

Passing The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you...

Daddy, what happened to him?

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the...

Finalizing My Divorce

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license. 'Will there be any change of address?' the clerk inquired. 'No,' I replied. 'Oh, good,' she said,...

Before Linda became engaged....

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too: "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you...

Three Astronauts

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send three astronauts to space for 2 years. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to...

Honey, has anyone ever told you....

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?" The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't." The wife yells, "Then what the...

The Back Seat

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Diagnose this patient...

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs...

Insurance Policies

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company. Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money. Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value...

The Hearing Aid...

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a...

Biology Class

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an...

Traffic Court

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit...

That'll Teach Them

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the...