One Liners

He who laughs last thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Support bacteria. They're the only culture...

A Funeral Servic

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket to...

Learning From The Teacher

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in...

Having A Beer

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone....

How They Make Them

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves... "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?" ...

Why parents go grey...

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of...

Best Friend

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously gulping shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've...

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good…!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit...

Disappearing Diner

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted...

Federal Gov't Performance Reviews

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations: 1. "Since my last report, this employee...

The Non-Comforming Sparrow

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in...

Too Much Hunting...

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with...

No Room At The Inn...

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the...

Go get your flu shot

I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be...

Parking Tickets

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a man a...

The reason there are so many problems between men and women

The reason there are so many problems between men and women is that they have such different views of sex and relationships. Women want a relationship without the complication of unnecessary sex. Men want sex without the complication of an...

Working For The City

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man...

Beware Of Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is...

Ma and Pa

Ma & Pa were on the porch & Pa said, " You know, Ma, I'd sure like a big bowl of ice cream." "OK, Pa", she said, as she shuffled off toward the kitchen. "Write it down," he said, "...you'll forget" "Oh, Pa, don't be silly" "Write it down"...

Second Honeymoon

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon." "Uh huh," said the old man. "We will do all the things that we...

Millionaire

A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night. "Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman. "My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man. "If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman. "Yes,...

Better Than Eating The Evidence

Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't...

Bad Day At Golf

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.   Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,...